For the past few months, I have been feeling “stuck.” Stuck in my spiritual walk stuck in my stress, stuck in my past, stuck in my feelings, just stuck in general. I was struggling with so much anxiety, I never wanted to leave my house. I had stopped eating all together because every time I ate, I was so sick within minutes of my first bite. I was not sleeping but a couple hours per night. Every time I laid in bed and the lights went out and the noise stopped; I would struggle breathing. It’s like the life was being completely sucked out of me and my breath was being stolen from me. I would dream (for the few hours I slept) of my past. I would wake up tired and hungry. My soul was exhausted and my spirit was starving. My past was constantly on my mind. I am not sure why it all came to the surface when it did. I thought I had dealt with it all. I thought I had forgiven myself and others. Perhaps it was being stuck in the house and having to get alone with myself. (I had always stayed busy so this was new to me.) Perhaps it was the spiritual warfare going on in the world and in our country. Perhaps it was the constant fear being thrown in our faces on the news and on social media. Never the less, I am grateful it all surfaced.
My two days with Narrow Gate was incredible. It was completely led by the Holy Spirit. There were things that came up I hadn’t even realized were issues in my life. Soul ties, unforgiveness towards myself, unforgiveness towards my parents, unworthiness, generational curses, bitter roots, judgements etc. Would these things have been dealt with eventually? Maybe, but I was done suffering and I was done feeling stuck. I wanted my relationships with God, myself, my husband, my children and everyone else in my life to be free. I wanted to be free and whole
After the first day, I was able to eat an entire Whopper and fries. That may seem small but for months I had only been able to eat 2-3 bites of food PER DAY! I kept thinking “I should stop so I don’t get sick.” Once again this was huge for me and the first thing I noticed had changed. Later, I went to bed prepared to stare at the ceiling for the next 5-6 hours before I crashed. I woke up the next morning feeling AMAZING! I have slept well every single night since. I have been able to eat full meals and I feel good again.
The anxiety: I have not had any trouble with anxiety since my NG2NP sessions. I have felt a constant peace over me no matter what is going on. I would say I feel like myself again, but I never wish to feel how I used to feel. I feel like a better version of myself, better than ever before.
I have always believed that we are responsible for our own issues and that we are capable of working it out with God ourselves. While I know this is true and I know God works on us individually and personally, God also works through others. My biggest problem was the fact that I had been trying to handle all of this on my own and through my own strength and ability. I didn’t know how not to. I believe my biggest breakthrough was the freedom from legalism. Legalism meaning, I had a huge lie rooted in my belief system that I didn’t even know was there. I believed God wouldn’t love me if I wasn’t perfect and if I didn’t do everything perfectly. I knew that wasn’t “truth” and I would have told anyone else who believed that how untrue it was, but for me personally, it was my truth. My Narrow Gate facilitators were great. They didn’t rush me to see this lie in my life, but they gently guided me as The Lord led. They were patient and kind; not once did I feel judged. It was the best!
Most importantly, I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me again, I know He is drawing me in, I haven’t felt that in years. Obviously, this isn’t the end all but it is and amazing start. There are things I will continue to work out with God and I am sure more will come up, but I am equipped and empowered and I cant wait to see what God does next.